Love and Respect

October 20, 2021

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 NLT

In 2004, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote a book titled Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. This book struck such a chord that it has sold almost 2½ million copies and is becoming a classic handbook for counselors and for couples wanting to build or repair relationships.

Dr. Eggerichs was on the same page as the apostle Paul. Paul’s one-liner in Ephesians 5:33 summarizes in a sentence what the doctor describes in a book. Love and respect are the two sides of the marriage coin. Both partners need each of these elements given to them, but they are different in first importance to men and women. He expresses it this way: “Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.”

Interestingly, the average husband will say, “Of course I love my wife! She should know that.” The average wife will say, “That’s crazy. I do respect my husband. I can’t understand why he would say I don’t.”

The key word is “feel.” If your husband doesn’t feel respected, you can swear on a thousand Bibles that you DO love her, yet the effect on the relationship will be negligible. If a wife insists over and over that she respects her husband, but he doesn’t feel it, the relationship will be damaged. Dr. Eggerichs says, “When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. Perhaps the command to love was given to him exactly for this reason! When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. Perhaps the command to respect was given to her for exactly this reason! The key is making sure the other person is able to consciously feel what they need most. Right or wrong, men interpret their world through the respect grid, and a wife’s softened tone and facial expressions can do more for her marriage than she imagines. Women confront to connect. The typical man’s response is to think she is confronting to correct. The truth is, it is easier for many a man to die for honor than to move toward a contemptuous wife in a loving way, saying, ‘I believe I was wrong. Can we talk about this?’ To turn to your wife in the middle of a conflict and say with love, ‘I am sorry. Will you forgive me?’ takes guts.”

• Father, help me desire and act intentionally to do all in my power to make sure the person I love feels deep respect and deep love from me. Help me be humble and be an initiator in growing our relationship to a satisfying and fulfilling place that pleases You. Amen.”