Selfishness and Humility

May 17, 2022

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3 NIV

Without a doubt, relationships are the most valuable resource in life. They are essential for human life, and for that life to be healthy and satisfying they must be honest, giving, and growing. They give us community, support, care, closeness, meet basic human needs and deep ones as well. But there is a terrorist that threatens it all. Selfishness.

Selfishness exhibits itself in many small ways that are fairly easy to disguise, and we can even deceive ourselves into believing motives that aren’t close to the truth about ourselves. But as selfishness grows it comes down this: One person is focused on getting his or her own way and uses the other person for his/her own benefit in the process.

When relationships are marked by selfishness, there’s an abundance of scorekeeping. It’s a fulltime job keeping track of how many of my desires and needs are being met compared to what I believe is happening for the other person, even though I have no idea how my measurement is true from that person’s perspective. They often have major hurts and unmet needs I don’t see through my own self-centered focus. I tolerate them and put up with them as long as I feel I am getting “enough” to stay. It’s likely they are doing the same thing, and our relationship becomes a passive-aggressive wrestling match, each of us using our power to get our own way.

Humility is the only way to move past this slow but sure strangulation of the relationship. To have a relationship that is worth having requires humble action, moving toward creating something together we cannot have alone. It is sacrificial love, the kind we mostly all claim to have but don’t consistently display. We pretend and act well enough to slide through most situations generally undetected, while we pursue our own interests instead of mutual benefit or the interests of the other person.

A word about selflessness. It is a concept rejected by many and understandably so. They take it to mean denigration of themselves, and lack of care for themselves. That is not the true meaning of selfless. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for myself. It means I willingly choose to honor the needs of the other person before my own. I value that person and the relationship more than any advantage I can get for myself. That honors them AND me.

• “The way up is the way down.” This is never truer than in personal relationships. Help me, Jesus, to willingly choose humility.