Making Marriage Work
February 14, 2022
I hope your relationships are in great order as we celebrate this Valentine’s Day. I’ve recently discovered a great book that I would like to recommend to every married couple that wants to maximize their marriage. It is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman. He is a renowned clinical psychologist who did years of scientific research on why marriages fail and developed principles on what will make any relationship work. For over 16 years he studied all sorts of couples from various countries. With the data he gathered, Dr. Gottman has been able to predict with 91% accuracy the likelihood of divorce within 5 minutes of observing couples’ interactions. These principles have been proven to work for almost any relationship that is dead in the water, or will improve a healthy relationship.
A great relationship should be important to you. People who are happily married are healthier and live longer compared to those with unhappy marriages. People from unhappy marriages are also more prone to sickness, and their children are more likely to experience stress and behavioral/adjustment problems. The statistics tell us that in the last 47 years, about 67% of first marriages have ended in divorce, with half of all divorces happening in the first 7 years.
The research data showed that many of the common statements about marriage failure are simply untrue. It’s not primarily about a lack of communication and conflict resolution skills, differences in personality, interests or conflict styles, unequal contributions, and affairs. It demonstrated that at the core of a happy marriage is a strong friendship, which creates a general sense of positivity about the relationship that reduces the chance of conflict spinning out of control.
There are also several closely connected signs that predict the eventual breakdown of a relationship. First, when a discussion begins with a “harsh startup,” and when the four horsemen of negative interactions (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are always present. When a person feels overwhelmed by negativity, they feel “flooded” and tend to react by stonewalling themselves as a form of protection. When at least one partner in the marriage is regularly flooded, stonewalling leads to isolation and loneliness. At some point, the couple may get so deeply entrenched in their negative view of the spouse/marriage that they can’t even recall positive memories from their early days of courtship and marriage.
Basically, great relationships depend on how you interact daily to strengthen the friendship and sense of positivity in your relationship. All of these principles are interrelated. Improvement in one area will impact all of the others. I highly recommend the book! You can find it right now on Amazon for only $7.99!
1. ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS
You can only truly love someone if you know them well. Happy couples know each other intimately—it’s like having a love map in their mind where they store all the details about their partner. They know their best friends, favorite music, greatest fears and hopes, current stresses.
All of us change over time, especially when we experience major life events, for instance, a new baby or career change. When a couple understands each other deeply, and intentionally stays up-to-date with each other’s thoughts and feelings, they’re much less likely to lose sight of their relationship.
This book has questions you can use to interview your partner and find out things that are significant. Using the questions in the book, interview your spouse like a reporter to find out about their current friends and rivals, events they dread or look forward to, current hopes and stresses, etc. Your goal is to gather facts for a broad snapshot of your partner’s life. Do not judge or give advice. Just learn. There are numerous exercises and enjoyable activities to help you.
2. BUILD FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION FOR EACH OTHER
Mutual affection and respect are essential for a lasting and fulfilling romance. The book has several exercises to build your reservoir of positive feelings for your spouse and relationship, reinforce your understanding and fond memories of your history as a couple, and focus on your partner’s positive points. I want to recommend that you think regularly and deliberately about the other’s strong points and consistently express your admiration for them to them and others. The more you say it and the more you refuse to criticize, the more your fondness and admiration grows.
3. TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER (INSTEAD OF AWAY)
Happily married couples don’t rely on romantic getaways or expensive gifts to sustain their relationship. They habitually turn toward each other in their daily interactions, making time to call each other and doing small things together. They inject engagement and fondness into little, ordinary gestures, building up their emotional bank account and the sense of positivity toward each other and the marriage. To revive the romance in your relationship, the first step is to stop taking your daily interactions for granted. In Dr. Gottman’s book, he explains various ways to develop the habit of turning toward each other, building a positive emotional bank account, and deepening your emotional connection.
4. LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU
When making decisions, most women naturally consider their husband’s feelings and opinions, while men don’t intuitively do the same. But both partners must consider the other’s opinion and perspective for relational satisfaction. Gottman found that in the long-run, the happiest and most stable marriages are those where the couple works as a team—they consider each other’s perspectives/feelings and seek common ground where there’s a disagreement.
5. SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
There are two key types of relational conflict. First, there are solvable or situational problems, and then there are perpetual problems that can’t be fully resolved. To reduce the chances of solvable problems blowing out of proportion, use these five steps:
- Soften your startup—don’t come roaring out of the gate
- Use “repair attempts” to diffuse tension
- Calm yourselves down. Learn to soothe yourself and each other
- Compromise
- Be tolerant of each other’s flaws
You can learn about each of these steps (with specific application tips), and the six key causes/solutions for marital conflict.
6. MANAGE PERPETUAL PROBLEMS
Sixty-nine percent of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that can’t be fully resolved. That’s vital to understand. Gridlocked issues are so intense and hard to fix because they involve hopes and aspirations that are part of your self-identity, e.g. dreams of freedom, security, adventure, or honor. When your dreams seem to be in opposition, you’re afraid that accepting your spouse’s views will mean giving up your own dreams and identity. Such gridlocks can cause deep anguish, especially if the couple keeps having the same fights with no progress. Eventually, flooding and stonewalling set in and the marriage falls apart.
The way to address perpetual problems is to uncover the underlying dreams, so you can figure out how to respect and support each other’s aspirations without sacrificing your own. You’ll never fully resolve the conflict, but you can learn to discuss and live with it without hurting each other. There’s quite a bit of help in the book for this.
7. CREATE SHARED MEANING
While the first six principles can help you to build a healthy, stable marriage, your relationship will become more fulfilling if it enriches your inner spiritual life and it means something to be part of your family unit. Gottman explains the concept of a mini-culture in every marriage/family (with its own symbols, rituals, language, roles, and identities) and how you can build your own shared meaning.
Your church and spiritual life can enhance this immeasurably.
Candy, dinner out, flowers—all good gifts for Valentine’s Day. But in my opinion, you couldn’t go wrong by getting a couple copies of this book and the workbook, and then devoting the next 60 days to making an investment in your future.
Happy Valentine’s Day!