Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 NLT
It seems as though every generation that rises up is described at some point in their youth as “an angry generation.” I’m certain there are many reasons for that, including the natural stretching for independence and learning to think on their own. But I think Paul as a pastor and church leader and a son himself, though not a biological father, identified a primary cause of individual anger. As I have counseled over the years, many parents have sent their children to me to “straighten them out” because of rebellious or indifferent behavior. Much of the time these children’s teachers identified them as respectful and well-behaved. That is the way I knew them as well. When we started doing a deep dive into what the child was thinking and feeling – hurt, frustration, and fear disguised as anger became clear.
Anger generally is a secondary emotion. Hurt, frustration, and fear are the provokers. Those three emotions are ones that cause us to feel hopeless and powerless. Anger is a powerful emotion and makes us feel strong in the moment, so it is most often our automatic go-to. Then the problem generally widens and deepens instead of resolving.
How do parents provoke their children to anger? Paul and generations of experience (your own included, I am sure) tell us it’s by the way we treat them. There are a few things we do and don’t do that causes this deep-seated anger:
Expectations without relationship. It is easy to lay standards for behavior on our children without a close enough daily relationship to even understand our child’s perspective, personal schedule, and desires.
Hypocrisy. We expect character from them that is lacking in our own behind-the-scenes lives. They see it clearly, making respect impossible. Here’s a big one: “My parents limit my time on my phone and devices, but I can’t even talk to them without them scrolling through their texts, emails, and junk.”
Pride. Refusal to apologize when we fail.
More criticism than encouragement. “Even in sports, my dad always concentrates on what I get wrong more than what I do right.” “Mom never misses the things I forget, but the things I do that she doesn’t even ask me to do don’t get noticed at all.”
Busy neglect. The difficulty is that most of us keep our schedules so busy that our own children have to “book time” with us. We don’t think to intentionally schedule dates and times with them. They always need to talk at the most inconvenient times, and so we put them off.
- God, You picked my child and me for each other. No one else can take my place. Help me follow Your Spirit in loving and leading my child. Help me see past the behavior to the cause and work on my own heart and life first. I want to love my child as You love me.