Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT
That verse is kind of off-putting, right? “Always” and “never” are extraordinarily strong words. It reminds me of Jesus’ statement that marriage was intended to be forever, and the response was, “Well then, maybe we should never get married!” This kind of love does seem demanding. However, the truth is that abuse is never excused; saying “enough is enough” and ending the relationship is sometimes necessary. But most often this is not the case, and ending the relationship is never done easily or without serious prayer and effort. If you feel you are there, you need to seek serious spiritual and relational counseling immediately. Books like It’s Not My Fault and Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud, When to Walk Away by Chuck Thomas, Safe People by John Townsend, and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend will help you be realistic and rational to know if the relationship truly is past repair.
But again, most marriages are not there. Much of the time, low toleration for pain and disappointment is one of the roots of relational death. When life is not as we dreamed, we are disappointed and disillusioned, so we decide the way to end the pain is to end the relationship, starting over with a new and better person. The problem is, WE are part of the problem, and we take ourselves into every relationship. That’s why it is not unusual – in fact, more common than uncommon – for the next relationship to eventually encounter the same challenges. Living life requires accepting that we get hurt sometimes. I remember when our son first started playing football, he came home from practice one day angrily and vehemently decrying what he felt were illegal and inappropriate hits his own team members gave him. His dad, once a high school football player (and a rather good one!), empathized with him for a minute, and then said, “Yep, buddy. That’s football. If you’re gonna play football, you’re gonna get hit. Some of the hurts – lots of them, in fact – are gonna hurt. But you’re gonna GIVE hurts too, and the people you hurt are gonna have to decide what they are gonna do about those hurts too. Some of them ARE wrong. But the truth is, hits and hurts are just a part of playing football. You have to decide if the game is worth it to you, and if it is, get good at playing it as well as you can.”
You know, that’s good marriage advice too. If you want to be in relationships long enough to make them good, you’re going to have to raise your threshold of pain and hurt. Living together makes hurting each other accidentally and on purpose extremely easy. If you quickly check out when you are hurt, you will never get to the place where marriage is truly satisfying. Marriage is teamwork, and it IS work. Asking for and giving forgiveness, talking through hurts, and learning to navigate pain and heal together – this is vital for every lasting relationship.
- God, help me work with You to persevere wisely and make faith-filled, wise decisions that honor You, giving You room to work in me and through me. Amen.