And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye[ when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, “Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,” when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 NLT
The most natural thing in the world is to see the other person’s flaws more quickly and seemingly with more clarity than we see our own. We want to reach out (or even lash out) and correct the situation. In reality, our perspective is so skewed that Jesus used a ludicrous example to compare. He says it is like trying to get a speck out of your friend’s eye while you are working around a log in your own eye.
When we choose blame and suspicion instead of giving our partner the benefit of the doubt, we are attempting that kind of a fix. We will only make the situation more awkward and difficult. Cynicism and suspicion will make us dangerous to the people we love the most. We will betray our best intentions; we will strike out at those we love most. We set destructive dominoes in motion. The more we suspect, the more reasons we find to suspect; the more we distrust, the more reasons we find to distrust; the more we blame, the more we find to blame. Every creak of the floor becomes an intruder. Slowly but surely the trust foundation of the relationship is eroded.
Charles Spurgeon said, “It would be far better to be deceived 100 times than to live a life of suspicion.” Doesn’t your heart tell you that’s true? It’s far better to overlook the possible slight, the possible issue than to create one and begin a lessening of love. This is not overlooking certain sin, but God shows us how to even confront sin in a spirit of love and hope rather than manipulation and passive-aggressive cynicism and withholding of love.
It's a most amazing face of our relationship with Christ that we have been freed up to quit keeping score and to actually hope for the best; to assume the best. We are set free from living our lives as detectives and secret investigators. We can leave the secret sins of others to the One who loves them most to uncover and manage. It is wisdom to not be easily offended: A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11 NIV
My husband Charlie had this viewpoint as a standard for our family life: “It won’t be an issue if we don’t make it an issue.” What a wise and calming approach to gaps that truly are insignificant in light of our real goals.
- If you struggle with this (and who doesn’t?), a wonderful and practical book to help you is Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. It will change your perspective and strengthen your relationship.