Most everyone hears the word “toxic” a couple times a week, at least. As our words have become increasingly negative and we’re more prone to speak out about things we find displeasing, toxicity is something we all deal with at times. And let’s face it, if we’re not careful, we are toxic people to someone else. So, learning to deal with toxic, over-bearing, controlling people and managing yourself is vital.
Negativity can be harmful to your state of mind and sense of self. You must try to not be sucked in and down by negative people in your life by identifying them and then taking steps to distance yourself from them.
Toxic people poison those around them. Life is stressful enough for most of us. But toxic people often seem to derive satisfaction from creating dissatisfaction and chaos. Permitting anyone to ravage your environment can wreak havoc on your mental well-being, and your bad state of mind will lead to physical challenges. It makes it difficult to respond calmly under pressure. Leaders and top performers must be skilled at managing their emotions, even with toxic people.
No one asks for negative, toxic people to invade their life. Dr. David McClelland of Harvard University concluded that these people can negatively impact you and your life by trying to control you, disregarding your boundaries, taking without giving, thinking they are always right, loving to be victims, and lacking accountability.
You must have boundaries to maintain sanity, wellness, and happiness. Keep in mind, when people aren’t respecting boundaries, they aren’t respecting those around them.
Here are some proven ways to deal with toxic people:
Know that there are three kinds of people in the world. Best-selling author Henry Cloud points out in his book Necessary Endings that there are three kinds of people in life and leadership: Wise People, Foolish People, and Evil People. The difference between wise people and foolish people basically comes down to how they deal with the truth.
Wise people encounter truth, listen, and change as a result. After getting a speeding ticket, a wise person learns and slows down. After their words hurt someone, a wise person will try to understand why, apologize, and work hard not to do it again. They’re open, not defensive, they learn, grow, and tend not to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
Foolish people encounter truth and don’t change. They manipulate and adjust the truth, so they don’t have to adjust. A foolish person will deny, blame, minimize, make excuses, and do anything to avoid dealing with reality. They don’t learn and rarely grow. John Townsend, a frequent colleague of Cloud says that foolish people have a flat learning curve, so they tend to wreak a lot of havoc and cause damage to their own lives and the lives of others. Foolish broke people tend to stay broke, and foolish procrastinators will likely always be late. Foolish people keep running into the same problems. No matter how good their intentions, their unwillingness to learn means they keep making things hard for themselves and others.
Finally, as much as we may hate to admit it, some people really are evil. They want to harm you and take you down. And as hard as it is to believe, they don’t have your best interests at heart and want to see you fail. The sooner you accept that, the easier it becomes to make progress.
Then accept that some people won’t change, and you can’t fix it. At some point in our lives, all of us behave foolishly and with evil intent. When I speak toxic words, or when I am angry and want to strike out and hurt, I am acting in an evil or toxic way. When I keep making the same mistake and refuse to learn and change, that’s foolish.
People who are generally wise sometimes do foolish and mean things. But Cloud says the good news is that people can change and grow. Evil people can change and start helping instead of hurting. When they do that, they can even become wise. Foolish people can come to realize how much damage they do and decide to learn and grow.
But we must admit that human beings, every one of us, fall into one of these three categories at any moment in life: You’re either generally wise, foolish, or evil in your approach to life. And that means, no matter how much you want to believe otherwise, and despite your coaching and encouragement, fools often remain fools, and evil people remain committed to harming others.
If you are a bit set back and not sure you want to accept that, I admit it sounds defeatist, judgmental, and so terrible that I didn’t want to believe it either. Even Henry Cloud admits it is hard to swallow: “If you are a responsible and loving person, then you might assume that other people are like you – responsible and loving. They do the right thing, taking responsibility for themselves, for their mistakes, for their work. And they care about other people and how their actions affect those people … So doesn’t it make sense that everyone else would be like you and really care?
“Sure, if you lived on Mars. But this is planet Earth. And if you are going to succeed in life and business, you need to succeed on this planet, not Mars” (Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings). Hard truth: Just because someone can change doesn’t mean that person will change. That’s where your leadership and discernment come in.
So, what now? You must learn how to spot toxic people. One of a leader’s key tasks is to learn how to spot toxic people and take appropriate action. It has never been more important than now. Both foolish people and evil people are toxic to your culture and mission. Fools are not trying to pollute and poison things, but they tend to keep repeating their mistakes. They are either convinced they are right or oblivious to the fact that they are wrong, regardless of the fact that they have been shown repeatedly. No matter how endearing they seem to be, their lack of change will derail your purpose.
Evil people mean to lie, harm, malign, and control. The faster you realize it and take steps to remove them from influencing your environment, the better it will be.