October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Many Christians would say that a pastor’s blog is not a place where this issue should be discussed. But Christians are not immune. It happens secretly in homes professing to be Christian. Walking as Jesus followers in our broken world, we all need to have our eyes open and be proactive on this devastating issue. Jesus always cared for the oppressed and abused, and we are called to do the same.
Domestic violence is narrowly defined as “an act or threatened act of violence upon someone with whom the perpetrator is or has previously been in an intimate relationship.” It is often between spouses or living partners with verbal arguments escalating into physical assault. Child abuse is often part of it as well. Seeing a parent abused is in itself very traumatic, and physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse may occur and lead to severe long-term effects. A person of any age, gender, socio-economic class, education level, or religion can be impacted by domestic violence.
Consider these statistics: Although acts of physical domestic violence are perpetrated against men, reported records say 95% of victims are women. Still, three million men are physically assaulted by their partner each year in the United States. One in four women will experience an act of domestic violence in her lifetime, and it is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, occurring more often than car accidents, muggings, rapes, and cancer deaths combined. Every nine seconds a woman is physically battered by her partner. Fifty percent of all marriages will be marred by domestic violence. Domestic violence occurs in 24-30 percent of all homes on a regular basis. Up to 50% of all homeless women and children are in their predicament due to domestic violence.
Forty percent of children who witness their mother being battered develop anxiety; 48%, depression; 53% act out with parents; and 60% act out with siblings. Male children who witness violence against their moms are 700 times more likely to physically abuse their own wives, and if the child was abused also, he is 1,000 times more likely to abuse his wife. Witnessing domestic violence in the home is the strongest risk factor for spreading it from one generation to the next.
Victims of domestic violence are prone to depression, sleep problems, anxiety, post-traumatic stress (PTSD) symptoms such as flashbacks, and other emotional problems. The emotional impact of domestic violence factors into more than one fourth of all adult female suicide attempts and is a leading cause of substance abuse in women. Long term chronic conditions are common among abuse survivors, such as heart disease and gastrointestinal disorders.
For generations, the silence of the church, lack of intervention and support, and misinterpretation of Scripture, suggesting God values the marriage more than the people in it, and that enduring it is the only option for the victim, have caused many to abandon their faith. They feel that God does not care about their suffering or have any interest in justice. To overlook violence is a horrific representation of Jesus.
Domestic abuse most often occurs in something called the “cycle of violence.” Tension builds and the victim works hard to keep the abuser placated. But it’s impossible. Something happens and there is an incident and abuse of some kind occurs. After the anger is spent, the abuser apologizes and attempts to make up with the victim. Most often there are promises that it will never happen again, and also giving gifts and being extraordinarily affectionate. Then there
comes a period of calm before the tension begins to build again. The cycle stages may only be a few moments or a day, weeks or months, or over years. If it goes on long enough without intervention, the periods of “making up” and “calm” grow further apart and often totally disappear. It becomes a normal, regular way of life.
Nothing about domestic violence between adults or an adult and child is compatible with a relationship with God. In the marriage relationship, the parties are called to love one another as Christ loved us. Marriage is an image of Christ and His Church. Domestic violence in marriage is very different from the character of Jesus.
As for children, God entrusts parents with children, and those parents are to lovingly care for them and train them up. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (see also Colossians 3:21). Yes, children are to obey reasonable, loving parents (Ephesians 6:1–3), and discipline is important. But discipline is distinctly different from violence and abuse.
Following God involves serving others, not manipulating and controlling them. Jesus told His disciples, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26–28). His command to us is to “love one another” (John 13:34).
This is such a big subject – I cannot fully address it in a blog, let alone settle it. But it is not something God’s people can ignore or tolerate. When domestic abuse is ongoing, safety is the first step. Those who are currently in a domestic violence situation should do everything possible to get out safely. Often, the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she or he leaves. Contacting the police may be the best. There may be a local battered woman’s shelter or other local resources available to help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with information and resources. Their number is 1.800.799.7233.
The based and the abusers all have deep needs. Every story is different. Counseling is needed, but marriage counseling is not an appropriate solution until all abuse has stopped, both parties have undergone individual counseling, and both parties desire reconciliation. Even more so with children. Children should never be forced to stay in an abusive situation while a parent is just starting to get help and change.
There are no acceptable exceptions for domestic abuse, most definitely not among those who claim to be His followers. Domestic violence hurts God’s heart. He is brokenhearted for the victims and will never abandon them. His plan for families is to be a picture of who He is. He tells us to call Him Father. Families are meant to reflect God’s love. When a home turns into a place of pain for any reason, He wants His people to speak the truth in love, confront what is wrong, and do all in their power to help the victims and the abusers find forgiveness, health, and wholeness.
If you need help or know of a situation, don’t sit on it. God and His people want and must help for the temporary and eternal good of both the victim and the victimizer.