Whoever said, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you” missed it. We all experience painful words from time to time. Whether it’s intentional bullying or abuse or simply really painful, hurtful words, we all go through it.
Your perspective is far more important than what has been said to you. Trying to understand the person and their background, why they said it, is vital to not internalizing. Humans have a strong bent to commit the fundamental attribution error, which means that for other people, we assume their poor actions are due to their character and not their circumstances. However, we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt in the same situation. For example, the person who rudely rushes to get in front of you in line at the store or at the stoplight may have a medical emergency instead of simply disregarding you. Having a bias to be aware and act with empathy and grace can help you.
The truth is, you just don’t have to answer for everyone and everything. Sometimes it’s just not worth the emotional effort that goes into mulling it over and responding, especially if you do not have an invested relationship. A person who doesn’t invest in you and actually know you doesn’t have a valid right to express an uninformed opinion about you. But should you decide to respond, here are some thoughts:
Take a minute. When someone says something hurtful, consider taking several seconds – or longer – to breathe, feel your feelings, and consider your response. You give yourself a chance to be more objective and have a productive conversation.
Don’t take the bait. Some people thrive on conflict. If they are simply trying to pull you into conflict, don’t engage. Restraint shows more maturity than winning an argument. Remind yourself that the hurtful words are more about who they are and what they are experiencing than about you.
If you feel the relationship is worth saving, advocate for yourself. Try to not attack; use “I” statements and talk about how you feel. Like, “I feel disrespected and invalidated around you when you call me names or swear at me. It makes me feel I can’t work or talk with you.”
Kindly but firmly, state your boundary. A boundary is like a fence. If you build a fence on your own property you don’t have to explain it. You just build it. The same is true of a personal boundary. You don’t have to ask why, just what. You can say, “I am not going to discuss this with you, so please don’t ask me that question again.” Or, “In the future, if you speak this way again, I will simply walk away.” Then refuse to discuss your boundary with them.
Recognize when you are wasting your time and breath. You cannot reason with individuals who are closed to discussion and accountability. Focus on what you can control and don’t keep pressing the issue. End the relationship quietly, limit your interaction, or if it is an issue with work, consult with HR.
Sometimes a nonverbal response is best. Maybe widening your eyes, turning your head, and walking away will best express your hurt and disbelief at their behavior.
Flip it. Ask a question. Make it a “what” question. “What would make you say that?” It may make them stop and consider.
Give yourself compassion. Harsh comments trigger anxiety, and you need to manage this. Acknowledge your hurt and anger, talk to God about it and maybe a close and reliable friend. Don’t criticize yourself as “weak and needy.” It’s normal to feel hurt and betrayed. If you handle it honestly, you will grow from the experience and become a better person yourself.
Check yourself to see if you are overreacting because of some past pain. Sometimes words are especially hurtful because they bring up a past hurt. Ask yourself if that is true and see if there’s a heartache you need to process a little more thoroughly.
Remind yourself of what is in your control and what is not. It IS within your control to be a consistently honest, character-led, kind person. But you cannot control whether another person likes you or not. If something they say is true, something you did wrong, and something you can control, then make your best effort to apologize and change it. But if not, be willing to kindly move on.
DO move on. If you are emotionally healthy, you don’t like conflictual relationships. So sometimes we hang on to a hurt so long it changes us, and not in good ways. Speak up with honesty, confidence, and kindness. When you have considered all the issues and know what to do, move on.